when i'm happy

there are certain things that truly make me happy. that put a genuine smile on my lips.

things like watching a Julia Roberts movie.... something like the 'runaway bride' or steel magnolias, something beautiful and pretty. beautiful and pretty remind of the pink and white flowers in full bloom in st. Stephen's college in march. oh! the campus lights up and i cheer up. it sounds funny but i feel complete with them around me. then there are things like a good cup of coffee and conversation. i confess, that i love heart to hearts. they just make you lighter and happier. i love the idea of a best friend, it Utopian , i know but so are most of our dreams. i believe that if a thought makes you happy , no matter how unreal it is ,why not harbor it? its like fairy tales for little girls and ideal superheroes for little boys. they're make believe, but they are their source of happiness and satisfaction. why not dream of the perfect? its a happy thought. go on.... make yourself happy today. its like when i go shopping to the mall, i see so many pretty thing that I'd wanna grab just right then. and all the shoes, bags, clothes they excite me. books excite me, they push me to dream, to think of the perfect , to be happy. i love weddings. in fact, i dream weddings. they make me happy. to me they are the happiest thing in the world. the thought of that satin gown , the bouquet , the slippers, the theme , the cake.... yada yada yada ........ lifts me a few inches higher from the ground. i don't know whether I'd ever get married but i love to dream it. and i don't see no harm.. ;)
it makes me happy when i put a smile on their face. when they're proud of something I've done. when i make the right choice. i feel happy.

sometimes you are so full of thoughts that words and meaning escape you and you know not what to pen down. you cease to feel or experience. your head spins and and feel fear rushing into you. you want to escape the pandemonium within yourself. but hang on and hear the bitter truth. you cant escape!

you cannot escape this because this is you. since when was man ever able to run away from himself. i know you want to mend it, but honey, its done. you wish you could just stop and never move again. you wish you could feel peace and rest again. feel fragrant flowers bathe you with their scent on the green grass. fierce young wind washing out the fear off of you. you feel safe again. you want to be held in the arms of someone higher than all , and you want to be told......... "it's OK , baby, you're just fine" what you want most in the world is to feel secure and not afraid. you want to hide from yourself and your troubles, but 'you' will find 'you' soon enough.
you hope that someday you will wake up and all of this would be a bad dream. and you will be happy again.

isn't that what all of us want? to be happy!

Why do birds
Suddenly appear?
Everytime you are near
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Why do stars
Fall down from the sky?
Everytime you walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

on the day that you were born
The angels got together and decided
To create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair
Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue

that is why all the girls in town

Follow you all around
Just like me
They long to beClose to you

(the carpenters)

she raised me.......

i remember the day she got married. she looked beautiful.i had never seen anyone like her. she was perfect... then and now. they told me i was just like her, in fact we were just the same. but i knew that wasn't true. she was great, far greater than i ever could be. probably i did have the potential to be her, but i knew i lacked her strength, her nobility.she went on with her life, knowing just what to do with it. making all the right choices, i've never seen her make bad one. i mean, you just have to look at her to know how perfect, how wonderful she is. she is God's special. i love her. more than i've ever loved anyone or will. she is the single most important person in my life. deep down i know how much, how badly i wanna be like her. i also know she feels bad when i don't match up. when i'm not 'honorable' enough. i might be a lot of good things to a lot of people. but when i look into her eyes i see reality stare back at me. that woman, grounds me. in front of her im just a ten year younger kid who adores her. that's what i feel like when with her. she makes me see myself for who i am. she's my 'reality check'. i really wish someday that i could do everything right and receive a pat on my back or an applause from her. i wanna hear her say... "baby girl, i'm proud of you.." how i wish!

i know i'll never be able to half as beautiful or capable as she is but i pray that if i could just be one forth of it.... i'd be a happy person.

dreaming of happiness

lately have been trying to think of things that could make me happy.
something that could cheer me up.

and wedding flashes in my mind.weddings have a tendency to cheer me up and divert my mind to happiness.

then there are things like shopping and eating. and yes TV.

but the truth is that after a point in time all that becomes futile.

sometimes i find myself googling happiness.

and in trying to google happiness, i feel sad for myself.

how desperate am i to be happy?!

but again, don't we all want to be happy?

in that moment; the one that i just described above when all my attempts at diversion fail

i face reality, something i'd been running from.

the one thing that could make me happy, i do not have.

then i sit down and pray and tell God that i know its gonna be okay cause you're in control.

after crying a little i try my diversions again.

and the process continues.

its not like i don't trust God to mend it.

i know for show He will mend it, only he can.

but that time , when you have to wait for God to do what he has to do, is the tough part.

its tough when you feel alone.

its tough when you start thinking about everything again.

and you start praying the days were shorter, so that you wouldn't have enough time to feel bad again.

sometimes i wish i could sit a midst sweet smelling pink and white flowers on the green grass and i wish i could laugh again. sometimes i wish He could hold my hand and walk me to that path of healing, of beauty. when He'd carry me on his shoulders happy to know that he finally made me everything he knew i was to be.