i think i'll go to 'Boston' and start over..... think i'll remodel life and thinking. i think i'll go back to the cross where i had always been. i think i'm going to be who i was meant to be. leave it in His hands as He holds me too. and in going back, i know He'd give me all that i hope for. i don't set my eyes on man, to give me what i want. i set my eyes on his creator. He shall give me my desire when i make Him my desire. and nothing would be bad anymore. i know, for He has promised. you must believe. He is after all my , your and everyones creator and protector. looks after us. when i cry at night i know it is He who wipes my tears. when you lose hope He gives you new strength. He can do it, then why rely on the world, men or women? i know, He worries for me. i know for a fact He loves me. He loves you. He loves us all. just go back to the cross. He'll take care after that.

in His service,

THE QUEEN

you come to college early morning to find out you no longer have that one class you came for. and you have to go home alone. but don't you just hate dong that. it makes you think think of alone you really are, when thats the one thing you want to run away from. food does not satisfy. infact you have not tried find to find out if it can satisfy. you look angry at the world. but you can't really say that to them, can you? it's suffocating you. and the one thing you need you can't get. life just slipped right out of your fingers. what do you do now? do you break free or just rot in distress. or do you wait for the light to miraculously shine on you someday and tell you it's all perfect now. you are perfect now. somehow, hoping for the best is the only way to get through a situation. feeling dead in an already dead situation would get you anywhere. for the truth is you have to survive. get a grip and start living like you should.

Abhi nahi aana sajana
Mohe thoda marne de
Intezar karne de
Abhi nahin aana sajana

Bhejiyo sandesha
Aap nahin aana
Thode door rahke
Mohe tarsana
Abhi to mein chahun, sari sari raat jagana
Abhi nahi anna sajana

Ruk ruk aana
Dheere dheere chalna
Bhoolna dagaria, raste badalna
Nahi abhi mohe,garwa nahi hey lagna

Abhi na jagaoh
Bane raho sapna
Abhi san-mukh na lawo mukh apna
Abhi to mein chahun, aass lagaye rakhna

(sona mahapatra)

the previous piece was sad and spelled death. but thats how i feel right now.

i want to be rescued.

i want to be freed.

i'm dying a slow death.

its like cancer.

eating me up.

its a desperate plea.

i kill me pride and beg for deliverance.

just take me away.

free me.

I've been off the stage. its been a while now. i haven't prayed. its been a while now.

it's more like i haven't been able to.things trouble mind, the above mentioned and that one thing that they all hate;only i don't. sometimes i just desperately hope God would come and tell me whats right and wrong and how to do things. sometimes i hope there weren't so many choices and so many people. sometimes i hope, but in vain , of course; that life was easier. just a little less complicated. i think i'm never going to be back on that stage. what about all that, that people said when i was little... "you're going to be a worship leader someday". well i did. but what about now? everything's falling apart. i feel I've lost Him. God. i feel lost.I am. the world, time and everything in it has stopped. all the confusion is whirling around me like a hurricane. sometimes a get the 'naive' idea of suicide, which doesn't appear as 'naive' then. actually , you never know what might happen someday.in the midst of this pandemonium i may just get lost and never be found again. now, i doubt that happiness. something believed in. Utopia is a farce. it can never be achieved.i 'was' a Utopian. if i'm sounding like a pessimist , then yes , i am. i will never get everything i wanted. at least that's how it seems. the happiness is lost. they hate it.